If Da Noh Soh!

English for Dummies…

I remember going to work in Orange Walk for the first time a few years ago and getting a load of the man who would be deputy prime minister. Back in those days he loved to hear himself talk, and since he financed a radio station run by his friend Ruben Scampos, he got plenty of opportunities. Boy was he good for a few laughs. My belly jiggled plenty at gems like him saying that he would sell his own mother to win the elections. Oh yeah, and there was this time when he claimed that the UDP’s brilliant financial strategy for Belize if they would win would be to ‘beg.’

Well, back then it was funny for sure…not so funny now that we know he was telling the truth. But anyway, I had some fun with the retarded fellow (sorry, Kim) to the point that Gapi got a memo from Dean telling him to smile as much as he wanted but don’t talk. Remember, Ruben, when Gapi was told that he couldn’t appear on the radio station anymore cause all he did was embarrass himself and the UDP? Yup, those were the days.

Anyway, I provided this background just to make the point that Gapi owes me a great deal. When I left Orange Walk I tried to make amends with Gapi by hunting up two books I felt could help him in his political career – English for Dummies and Ingles sin Fronteras…I know he got them but the rude fellow never did say thanks. After hearing him on the podium on Sunday, I’d go so far as to say that he’s made good use of my gift. You owe me, buddy. I’ve got Stage 2 here for you whenever you’re ready. It’s called – English for the Functionally Stupid… If Da Noh Soh!

LOSER…

What’s the name of that much loved oldie but goodie – if losing to you is wrong, I don’t wanna be right? Yeah, I know it goes something like that. Poor John! That fellow has turned losing into an art form. I’d even want to go so far as to say he’s found a way to make losing look pretty, but nah, it’s still an ugly, ugly thing, isn’t it my chubby buddy? I saw your face when the arrogant little prick kicked your butt at the National Convention. I know you felt humiliated because you were telling people in Belmopan that there is no way Mini-me Barrow could match you in intellect or political experience, and you would be sure to win as Chairman of the Party. I heard your interviews at the convention after you were beaten like a drum and I know you wanted to curl up in a little ball (okay, a great big fat ball) and cry your little porcine heart out. That’s why I wasn’t surprised when sources called to tell me that on Sunday night you were at your favourite watering hole venting venom at the little prick Patrick and the two men you know turned on you – baldy and his retarded (sorry, Kim) henchman. Hey, I’ve been there, big buddy. I know it was the beverage talking when you said that if it’s the last thing you do, you’ll get even with those who wronged you…or was it… If Da Noh Soh!

A Fool’s Dream…

The (little) prick had a dream…and in that dream he was wielding the scepter of royalty and garbed in the red cloak of the highest office in the land. In that dream he was anointed with scented oil by his bald mentor and carried on the shoulders of the Red Army to be placed on the jewel studded throne of greatness. Well, here’s something you should know, prick! Speaking for members of my gender, we all have those dreams and they generally focus on the members of the fairer sex. But while a piece of tissue and a shower take care of our temporary delusions, Dr. Westheimer thinks it’ll take a lot more than that in your case.

Little one, there is no way in hell that you will become Prime Minister of this country we call Belize. That man with the bald head really needs to stop whispering sweet nothings in your ear while feeding you grapes of ambition. Your short lived political career is coming to an end, boy. You should have listened to what the teachers who protested on Independence Hill told you. If wishing it were so would make it so, you would be king, my friend, but it doesn’t work that way. Hell, you know how long I’ve been wishing that I was rich and cute and had a harem of beautiful women catering to my every need? It’s not like that’s gonna happen, is it?… If Da Noh Soh!

Say it ain’t so…

This columnist is generally full of grins and giggles despite what this bunch does because, hey, if I don’t laugh about it I’ll cry. Trust me when I tell you, me crying is not a pretty sight. But yeah anyway, I just received word that the son of one of our rich UDP Ministers in the West – you know the fat fellow I’m referring to – just returned from studying Computer Science in the UK, courtesy of all of us. That’s right, we paid for it. That’s bad enough cause this fat Minister I’m referring to is filthy rich, but get this – right after the son returned, he received a full scholarship to go study law and guess what – we’re paying for that too!

This pisses me off. We’re facing a real crisis in our education system where statistics are showing that an increasing number of students can’t afford to go to school and are dropping out. But instead of using our resources where it’s needed, we’re feathering beds for the fat cats who are already feeding at the public trough. Talk about double-dipping. Hell, the fat minister’s son will be in good company, as he joins girly-boy, the simpering Herby and the former Orange Walk Mayor Ravell Gonzalez who killed two pedestrians on the Northern Highway before starting his studies in law. Oh yeah, we’re paying Herby and Ravell’s bills too…If Da Noh Soh!

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