If Da Noh Soh…

Paranoid dementia…

Word reaching this concerned columnist is that my favourite and much beloved Prime Minister whom I cherish above all others has been diagnosed with a rare condition referred to in medical circles as ‘paranoid dementia brought on by the untimely intrusion of reality.’ Poor Dean! I know there are some people who just love to bash my buddy, but in times like this we must do as Kim says and be a little sensitive. You remember when Dean O stood up in the House and accused the attorneys in the Bar Association of all being agents of Lord Ashcroft and we all just thought he was being his usual stupid, egotistical self…well seems like the medical condition had already taken hold of him. Why, just last week the poor fellow lost his tenuous hold on reality and accused the attorneys in the Bar Association of all being agents of the People’s United Party who are out to get him. I heard the snickers from some of his very own colleagues and friends on the UDP side, those damned insensitive fools. Obviously they haven’t seen Kim’s commercials and don’t realize that we shouldn’t look down on Dean or make fun of him and call him retarded but should gently hug him, pat his head and call him ‘mi bally’…If Da Noh Soh!

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PGIA…not PG!

Sources close to the investigation into the plane which landed on the Southern Highway in the Bladen Area have indicated that elements of the Cali Cartel, implicated in the attempted transshipment of cocaine, has put a hit on the pilot of the abandoned aircraft. No wonder this guy has gone far, far underground. According to reports which are being circulated, the pilot has been placed on the execution black-list after he misunderstood the coordinates and instructions given to him by his contacts in Colombia and his liaisons in Belize. As we understand it, the pilot was told to land with his cargo at the PGIA but something was lost in the translation and instead he landed on the highway leading to PG. Hey, it’s an excusable error, I think, but the cartel is pissed because they claim that if the damned pilot had just followed directives carefully and landed at the PGIA they wouldn’t be looking at the loss of about $100million worth of drugs at this point. Judging from recent activities at the PGIA…guess we can’t blame them for being pissed…If Da Noh Soh!

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My friend Carlos…

On Friday at the House of Representatives my friend Carlos did a very cute and curious thing, especially since he always claims to be such a good and saintly church-going paragon of virtue. See, he was under attack for his involvement in the smuggling of illegal foreigners through Belize into the US. So he stood up and told a blatant lie. This former altar-boy stood there in the House in front of the nation and accused the family of the Leader of the Opposition of benefitting from the sale of visas under the previous administration. Even more cute and curious was the fact that after the House meeting when the Leader of the Opposition asked Carlos about the blatant lie Carlos stated that he knows it’s not true but he just had to throw something out there because that’s how the game is played. Okay buddy. The Leader of the Opposition is a better man than I am. If it were me in the House I would have reminded Carlos about when he got stupid drunk, took off all his clothes and ran down the street naked. There are a great many things that Carlos could be reminded of. Isn’t that how the game is played, my friend? If Da Noh Soh!

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A message for Kim…

Last night I saw a television ad which confused me. See, the writing prefacing the ad made me think that it would be a Children’s Day Message, but the images were all of Kim. Tell you the truth, I can’t even tell you what the message was because I was distracted by pictures of Kim followed by pictures of Kim which then faded out to be replaced by pictures of Kim. Seriously, Kim is cute, but I wasn’t too impressed by what seemed to be a fashion show featuring Kim modeling different clothing and different hairstyles. You know what would have impressed me greatly? Since I have no doubt in my mind that we taxpayers will pay for the airing of that ad, it would’ve been great if our Special Envoy for Women and Children had used that money to take pampers and milk and warm clothing and medicines to all the children in Belize City who have suffered because of Hurricane Richard. Wouldn’t that have been nice…Kim visiting the Yarborough area to help where it really counts? Of course the mud would have been hell on the Manolo Blahniks. But seriously, Kim…your intentions may be as pure as the driven snow but people out here need work, not words…If Da Noh Soh!

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Nasty Nemencio Part II

When we left you last week, nasty Nemencio was in the midst of a drunken spree in Corozal Town. Just to recap, he had just whipped out his little pal, urinated on the fellow beside him, was escorted out of the establishment and had driven his government vehicle into a ditch. But that was only the beginning of a wild night, it seems. I understand that Nemencio, in the company of six of his buddies, visited two other bars and Police had to be called in at both to escort them out. And this is where the story gets a little scary and disgusting. In the wee hours of the morning, residents of Patchakan observed what looked like a body lying at the side of the road in the bush. When they investigated, they observed a drunken, snoring, NAKED Nemencio. Now God only knows what happened between bar #2 and the roadside, but reports are that nasty Nemencio had, to put it as nicely as I can, messed himself. Yuck. Anyway, a family member had to be called in to get the drunken, disgraceful fool off the side of the road. Oh, by the way, Nemencio has also made a report against the six persons who were with him, since they allegedly made off with his wallet full of cash and his laptop which was in the vehicle. Somebody needs to do something about this fellow. This is not even funny anymore…If Da Noh Soh!

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Promotion UDP Style…

I hear that my friend Naco from Corozal Bay who still can’t get anybody to tell him what ‘laureate’ means has taken up a new hobby. Apparently, he offers tutoring for select persons after hours. Hell, I feel kinda ashamed that I’ve been coming down so hard on him, calling him a dodo-bird and moron and all that, cause apparently his tutoring sessions are doing wonders. Check out the case of one young lady who was working in a dead-end post at the Corozal Hospital supervising the domestic staff. Nobody thought she would get anywhere because she had no education to speak of, but she surprised everybody. This young lady signed up for Naco’s after hours tutoring sessions and it has turned her life around. After just a few closed door personal and private intense sessions, this young lady left the job of supervising domestic staff and is now the Statistical Officer in Charge of Computers. Wow! That Naco must be a great teacher, right? Remind me to tell you the story about the physical therapist who gave Naco a private back-rub and was immediately promoted…If Da Noh Soh!

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Vision and Values…

The anonymous source who absolutely does not keep giving me information about Naco for this column has openly launched his campaign for Corozal Bay. Hilberto ‘Casino’ Campos has not been afraid to tell people that it is time to rescue Corozal Bay from the idiot who has to read the manual before he can change a lightbulb. My confidential informant has erected a billboard at the entrance to Corozal Town in which he promises to restore the values and vision of the UDP. Ouch for Naco, who absolutely did not ask someone to tell me that the only vision Campos has is blurred vision after a night out and the only values he knows about are those displayed on the slot machines at the casino…If Da Noh Soh!

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