I’m generally a happy, jovial sort of guy, content to poke fun at others. Hell, when I get bored enough I even poke fun at myself, just to show you what a genuinely joyful person I am. But this week’s column won’t be hilarious or cute or even hilariously cute. This isn’t the time for that. The mocha monster otherwise known as Dean Oliver and a whole other mess of less complimentary names wants to call general elections sooner, rather than later. No worries, mini-Mugabe…we ain’t never scared. Belizeans know that Dean O only has one game plan and the fear is that his election strategy will be to try and steal this one. We gotta turn up the heat just a notch, don’t we?

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You smelling it yet?

The mocha dude kicked off his tour way up north in Corozal Southeast and to be nice to our beloved PM let’s just say it was a monumental, catastrophic, gargantuan flop! Of course this should be no surprise at all, since the smooth talking, pontificating PM ain’t never been liked up north. Hell, who can even understand half of the words coming out of his mouth? Check it out…the red brigade pulled out all the politicos from the north, all the paid generals and paid foot-soldiers and all the lackeys and still couldn’t assemble more than 200 people. I got a little worried when I watched Jules’ news story on Channel 7 and he made mention of buses streaming in – then I realized that the fellow must have been caught in traffic by the Corozal Bus Terminal and saw commuter buses heading to Chetumal and he got confused. No worries Jules, we understand. But yeah, I can’t imagine the mocha man being too pleased with the reception he got. But I figure by the time he visits a couple other destinations he’ll be used to it for sure…

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You’ve gotta be kidding…

I mean, seriously? The idiots in red have launched a series of pre-election campaign ads which have left me dumbfounded. Now my few friends will tell you that I am frequently dumb, but very rarely dumbfounded. Look at the one on health, for example. According to the UDP, they have made amazing strides in health since 2008. I have no doubt that came as a great surprise to Minister of Health Pablo Marin. Hell, it came as a surprise to Belizeans for sure. Listen…under this UDP the KHMH erupted in a major corruption scandal a couple years ago, and still under this UDP, there is another corruption scandal breaking NOW, with top UDP officials in the KHMH being accused of all kinds of dirty deeds. TWO HUGE CORRUPTION SCANDALS IN 3 YEARS…Imagine! Add to that the National Health Insurance which hasn’t been rolled out even an inch since 2008. And what about all the babies dying in the hospitals! What about kids dying because no basic medical supplies were available? Hell, under the UDP healthcare in Belize has moved backwards more than a decade. No fancy, liad ad is going to change that. The people know what’s happening out here…

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2011 was a good year?

And that was bad enough. But how about the UDP ad stating that 2011 was a very good year for the poorest of Belizeans?! WTF! Something has got to be very, very wrong with the mocha man. Maybe he’s just been locked up in his seafront mansion too long, sipping Dom Perignon, dining on Salisbury steak with Lois and Kim and lounging in his cigar room listening to classical music. Maybe he just fell and hit his head and lives in perpetual confusion. Who knows? But one thing is for certain…2011 was a very, very BAD year for the poor people of Belize. In truth, 2011 was a very bad year for most Belizeans…just ask anybody. The only persons who had a very good year were those included in Dean Oliver’s Select Friends and Family Plan. All I can say is that the mocha monster is gonna reap what he is sowing…giving people a ham for Christmas and then telling them they had a very good year thanks to that ham. Wutless, dutty devil…

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Integrity my ass…

According to this old/new/same UDP crowd trying to get into City Hall again, they are full of integrity. Well I know that Joe Bradley’s baby boy is full of something for sure, but integrity? Nah…don’t think so! For two terms this bunch of UDP old/new/same baggage has been running things in City Hall. Nothing has been done. NOTHING! Now they want a chance to get in again. FOR WHAT? No amount of pretty ads with Joe Bradley’s pretty little boy is going to change the truth of what we see all around us. Under the UDP all the people have had are under-depositing, under-work, under-management and under-representation…added to over-pay, over-depositing in personal accounts, over-misinformation, over-wutlessness and over-liadness. It is past time for a change in City Hall. Ain’t no way the people are gonna put in another UDP bunch. No way!

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Happy Valentine’s Day…

More than likely by the time you read this you’ll know if elections will be as soon as next month…or not. Word on the streets is that Dean O plans to dissolve the House tomorrow and call elections on Valentine’s Day. LOL! Buddy… bad idea! What…did you think that the Belizean electorate would be all sloppy and sentimental on that day and just vote for you and your crowd again cause you all are so cute and cuddly? Hard to say what’s going on in that weird, warped brain of yours, but bring it…whenever! The people are ready for you! This isn’t even about the PUP being ready to get you out. People power is going to take care of that. Remember you saw it here first.

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Political favours…

When BML workers dumped garbage in front of City Hall yesterday, they must have gotten some of it in Roger Espejo’s office cause I swear when that boy opened his mouth, only garbage came out. Less than two months before an election, Espejo claims that they suddenly decided to take away a contract from BML and give it to Belize Waste Control…just for no reason. Yeah right buddy! Well, according to my source inside City Hall, before this contract just mysteriously changed hands for no good reason, my friend Roger held some late night closed door meeting with Belize Waste Control…! You know those pre-election, campaign financing seeking kinda meetings, don’t you? Word is that Mr. Espejo got first grips on the Belize Waste Control bubby, followed by the rest of the aspiring candidates and it was a done deal, so to speak. Guess nobody really cares about 15 more poor Belizeans who suddenly have no jobs. Unemployment is already so high what’s 15 or 20 more right guys? As they say in UDP circles, especially before elections…the bubby is boss!

Almost seems like a waste of time to be taking potshots at ‘mi bally’ Zenaida right about now, just about at the end of an inglorious political term, and dare we say the end of her political career. So what we’ll do is this instead…a couple weeks ago I expressed my admiration for the wife of the Prime Minister who I feel is a very courageous woman at a most difficult time of her life. This week I must send out kudos to Zenaida Moya, who I swear has got the hide of a rhinoceros and a pair of humongous brass ‘cojones.’ That woman is incredible – incredibly shameless, that is. She will be remembered mostly for a brief stint as a guest of the country’s law-enforcement authorities after she was charged with misappropriation of funds. By all appearances she got out of that one because of the games these politicos play. Then there’s the unforgettable ‘under-depositing’ – I understand economists and accountants across the country are still trying to figure that one out. Nobody ever has, and likewise nobody has ever accounted for those funds that were mysteriously under-deposited into municipal coffers. Those whammies were so monumental that citizens have almost forgotten that the Mayor dropped a crazy whap on us by overpaying herself huge sums of money. Did we ever get that money back? Ha…nope! Methinks Lady Z will soon be pursuing another career…might I suggest a career in writing. I already came up with a name for her literary debut if she ever takes this humble columnist’s advice – it’s called “Deaf, Dumb, Blind and Facey…City Hall Economics for Dummies! If Da Noh Soh!

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The Roundabout Moya-ments…

My buddy Jules went after the monuments man on the news with a passion we have rarely seen from the media maven. Not sure what that was all about – feel like he should have been going after the Mayor instead, but then again Zenaida still has some relatively powerful friends in high places. My question now would be – does Jules know something we don’t about the connection between Moya and Bhojwani? I mean…the man obviously likes to see his name in the spotlight, as evidenced by the garish signs which are almost more visible than the monuments themselves. And naming the piece of sidewalk for the fellow? Hmmm! How much would Bhojwani be willing to pay to be so idolized? And who did he pay it to? I think there’s a whole lot more to this story….something so rotten that not one present or aspiring UDP city council candidate dared to show their faces at the ribbon-cutting. Now coming from this bunch of rotten-deal mongers, that’s got to be something foul indeed…If Da Noh Soh!

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The $40,000 Vote Buying Scheme…

After crippling the economy and causing all our people to suffer for the past 4 years, the brazen, shameless UDP have now announced that they will use our money to buy votes. And the Belizean people (only rabid UDP supporters are chosen, of course) line up like little puppies to gratefully lick the palms of the UDPs who are giving them a couple pounds of rice and flour. Sometimes I am ashamed of my Belizean people. Many of us have no jobs and can barely feed our families. Our economy is at a standstill while only select UDPs have flourished. We can’t afford to send our children to school. Almost half of our people live below the poverty line. And yet we accept the crumbs from the UDP table…crumbs purchased by OUR money, not UDP money. I swear Dean Oliver must sit in his mansion every evening and laugh at us for being so easy to fool. What will it take for us to get the sense? If Da Noh Soh!

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PUNKED…again!

You know what I think? No? Well, let me tell you. I think we are all, as Belizeans collectively, a bunch of wusses and wimps. I think the old clichéd saying is indeed true – we do get the politicians we deserve. I swear the bald-headed mocha-complexioned mini-Hitler feeds us the most dutty, wutless scraps from his table and we lap it all up before rolling over so he can kick us in the balls. I’m really pissed off. Seriously! Those of us fortunate enough to have a job go to work every day, and at the end of every workweek GOB lines up to collect their pounds of flesh in taxes. Those taxes are the highest they have ever been. And then the dictator stands on national television and states that he has decided to give his UDP colleagues $40,000 of our money, obviously so that they can in turn buy votes for upcoming elections. That is all it is. It isn’t a case of reading between the lines…no case of subtle insinuation or innuendo. The UDP are buying votes. Cause they sure as hell aren’t giving anything to all the people…just to their UDP stalwarts. I can’t even begin to say how wrong this is. This is not UDP money. If Dean O wanted to take some of his millions and give his UDP cronies I wouldn’t have anything to say. But this is our money – my money and your money. But you know what? He said it, and nobody had a thing to say – not the media, not any of us. We got PUNKED…again! If Da Noh Soh!

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Math Olympiad vs. 2012 Prado…

Last week the news broke that the SSB had cancelled the funding it provides for the annual Math Olympiad which has become immensely important as an educational competition promoting excellence. Now, not everybody may know that the money for the Olympiad comes out of the Social Security Development Account, a fund which is put aside to assist with community development projects. That money comes from workers’ and employers’ contributions. While nobody has made a big deal about it, it is huge in the education scheme of things. Especially since word coming out of the SSB is that just this week, the sour CEO took delivery of a brand new 2012 Toyota Land Cruiser Prado Luxury SUV. Now, just to put things in context, the Math Olympiad which pits the best of the best from educational institutions countrywide costs the SSB about $150,000 a year. Messy CEO Prado cost more than $200,000. WTF? How do you like them apples? If Da Noh Soh!

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Hijacked…

The fact is that all the monies from the Fund which was created out of workers’ and employers’ contributions have been hijacked for political use. Sources within the SSB say that any assistance for any project must now be approved by a UDP minister. And that’s a true story straight out of the UDP Animal Farm political manual…If Da Noh Soh!

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Happy Happy Joy Joy?

I know I should end this column this week extending warm wishes to everybody including the mocha-megalomaniac and his minions, but I won’t. Call me scrooge, but I can’t summon up any happy happy joy joy feelings right about now. Stand strong, those who have suffered under this bunch of hopelessly incompetent and abusive morons! Their time is fast approaching! Merry Christmas!

There’s a song by a group called Tesla which has always been a favourite of mine…the chorus goes –

“signs, signs, everywhere there’s signs

f@$#in’ up the scenery, breakin’ my mind…”

Ain’t no doubt in my mind…friends – Belize’s own home grown little bald-headed mocha-complexioned Hitler is getting set to throw the switch, pull the plug, haul up his drawers and circle the wagons. That’s right folks…all indications are that general elections will be called early…very early next year…have I ever lied to you…If Da Noh Soh!

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Happy Hour…

Was heading home the other night when I saw a neon sign flashing like a beacon in the night…so I slowed the vehicle a little and saw all these scantily clad girls hanging around outside of this establishment. I got scared and was getting set to speed off when I realized I hadn’t eaten anything all day, so I pulled up to see if I could get some food. True story…but that was all for background anyway…the thing is I met this fellow inside that I knew from government service way back in the day, and good political agent that I am, I sat down to try and get some juice from him, all the while ignoring the women dancing on the pole behind me J. But yeah, to make a long story short…after a drink or two or ten (who the hell’s counting?) here’s what came out…

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CEOs Summoned to UDP HQ…

A memo has gone out to all Chief Executive Officers in the Public Service summoning them to a meeting at the headquarters of the United Democratic Party on Monday afternoon. That’s right…Monday, December 12, 2011. First and foremost on the agenda, according to my slightly inebriated but very highly placed source, would be the announcement of the date of general elections. That date has been the focus of much speculation, with popular belief leaning towards March 7…which would mean that general elections and municipal elections would be held on the same day. Makes sense, if you think about it…cause this administration done broke the government coffers, and its not like any of the red marauders are gonna go in their pockets to give back some of what stuck to their fingers during this short lived but nasty term in office…If Da Noh Soh!

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Pay cut anyone…?

This one I find a lil harder to believe, considering this rapacious, ravenous, gluttonous bunch of UDP political appointees we’re dealing with. Hold up before I go on…let me clarify this just a little…there are at least two Chief Executive Officers that I have maximum respect for, so you two are exempted from the rapacious, ravenous, gluttonous thing…OK? Anyway, as I was saying…also on the agenda at this meeting will be a request to all Chief Executive Officers, political appointees (of which there are many – like Ambrose Tillett who is an Energy Advisor in the Ministry of Natural Resources making $70,000 a year plus perks (what the hell is an Energy Advisor anyway?) Okay I got sidetracked. Let me start over again…CEOs, political appointees, ambassadors and all the other sundry high level high paid political lackeys are going to be asked to take a pay cut for the next three months to free up some money which will then be diverted into the campaign….there you have it…If Da Noh Soh!

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Increased subventions…

So somewhere between the 6^th and 8^th drink…right around the point where the girl on the stage took off her top (not that I was looking, of course) my friend nudged me and revealed that the Ministry of Finance will be releasing an additional $12,000 monthly to all municipalities effective immediately. Well hell, I almost spilled my drink cause I was so happy. Damn, I said, that means that maybe your friends, the wutless UDPs, will start fixing some potholes and picking up garbage. The fellow looked me dead in the eye and said NOPE…that $12,000 (taxpayer dollars, I might add at this juncture) is to be used to hire additional UDP campaign workers to beef up the run to municipal elections. What a dutty, wutless bunch…I tell you…If Da Noh Soh!

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More signs…

And there’s a lot more going on if you can just interpret the signs…like for example, you all know how those damn UDP ministers love to travel on our taxpayer bucks and profile on nada. Well, effective immediately those trips have all been cancelled. That’s right…the word has come down from on high that all Ministers need to get their fat asses (it’s a word, isn’t it) in gear for an early general election. And speaking of fat asses, anybody calling to the Ministry of the Public Service these days is told that Minister Hog has left the building and won’t be back anytime soon. That beefy boy (getting my metaphors mixed but who cares?) is hitting the campaign trail in the Garden City. If anybody needs exercise, he does anyway…If Da Noh Soh!

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Mariposa Traicionera…

Hmmm…what can I say about this ALLEGED home invasion/weird ransom demand thing at the Honey Camp mansion of some Sugar City millionaires? I know I’m supposed to commiserate or at least shed a lil tear for Chendo cause those sorts of things can be scary as hell. I’m searching for some emotion here even as I write and I’m coming up empty buddy. All I gotta say to you, my arrogant, wutless amigo Chendo…is that if you run with the big dogs, then you gotta expect to catch their fleas. Ain’t nobody feeling too sorry for those fellows, to tell the truth. People in Sugar City been looking at Chendo long time…a small town boy turned multi-millionaire overnight…A&Rs popping up all over the country…did I mention the HUGE, lifestyles of the rich and famous mansion and compound at Honey Camp? From nowhere Chendo was suddenly rolling in the dough and everybody was watching. Trust me there’s more to this story than meets the eyes. Chendo got in over his head somewhere, somehow down the line and now the time has come to pay the price…I gotta lot more to say about this but I’ll leave that for another time…nuff said for now…If Da Noh Soh!

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Those damned arches…

I mean, serious…the arches are cute as hell and I get all warm and wet inside looking at the big balls and lights hanging from them…but REALLY! It’s like the next Mayor of the City Karen Bodden said the other day…are we supposed to be so distracted by the arches that we don’t realize that our vehicles are banging into potholes right under those arches? I know a big contract has been given to a company owned by the Speaker of the House’s family to put up the arches and decorate them, but hell mein…couldn’t that money have been used to patch some of the million potholes in Belize City? Get it through your thick skulls, you UDP idiots – the people of Belize City want service. We want our streets fixed and our drains cleaned and our garbage picked up and our parks and playgrounds maintained. That’s it…not rocket science. Lights and balls are pretty, but we need just a little more than that. Is anybody listening…? If Da Noh Soh!

It was like handing a fat kid a three tier chocolate cake with marshmallow frosting and caramel kisses thrown in for good measure – how the hell could Oskie resist?  When I heard the chubby fellow bashing Belizeans for Justice as per instructions from Dean O., I wasn’t surprised. News had already filtered down that Oskie had been infiltrated by a high ranking member of the UDP! When the red party realized that they needed to penetrate Oskie they did their homework and picked the best agent for the job – the PUP has known for weeks now that UDP big-wig Doug Singh has been holding intense back-door (or was that closed-door?) sessions with Oskie. And voila, Oskie changes his stripes, so to speak…so don’t bash Oskie when he rants and raves and whimpers nonsense – he’s just putting out what has been pushed into him by a deep-cover agent of the UDP…NO FAIR…If Da Noh Soh!

Told you so…

After years of being in the thrall of modern day Svengali, Dean Oliver, Paul Perriott is getting the sense in a big way. For the man who stood behind Dean O; led charges against the previous administration at the instigation of Barrow and slammed/bashed the so-called ‘white devil’ on Barrow’s behalf, it is a painful lesson indeed. Check this out – as a representative of the workers in the union, Perriott attended a meeting held by the former management of BTL. That pissed off Mr. Barrow and his BTL minions and they got even in a big way. Days after the meeting, Perriott was told that there was a new and exciting position open for him down south, an important position that only a man of his skills could fill. Did I mention that he had to take up the posting immediately? Anyway, so Paul is barely out the door before his unit was quietly disbanded…and when he arrived down South, it was to find that nobody there knew anything about this new and exciting position. The man didn’t even have a desk or an office to work from. Now that crap is devious – seriously devious. I kinda feel sorry for Paul, but at the same time I can’t help but say – we told you so! We told you what sort of ‘man’ Dean Oliver is. We told you that this great move to get rid of the former management of BTL was just a farce. We told you that all this talk about nationalization was just lyrics to enthrall the patriotic masses. We told you that Barrow would give you the shaft just like he has done to so many other people. I know that doesn’t make what you are going through any easier, but that’s just the way it is. You forgot to take your long spoon when you were invited to sup with the devil…the real devil with the bald head…If Da Noh Soh!

Big Momma’s House…

Talk about insult to injury. Damn, this UDP crew is vicious, cold and heartless. Word is that since BTL has still not paid Perriott what is due to him, the Senator is in serious financial straits. Word is that he is about to lose his home. So is his prime minister jumping to his defense? Did Dean Oliver pick up the phone and instruct his minions at BTL to pay the boy so he could save his home? Nope! It looks like what Dean Oliver did was pick up the phone, call his favourite fat, flabby Senator and give her the glad tidings…that there would soon be a house for sale, going cheap. You heard it right.  Sources tell us that Joe-liet has already expressed interest in Paul Perriott’s home…guess she came into some money recently and wants to put it to good use. Oh, on another note, has anybody accounted for every cent of the $2million dollars allocated by government for post hurricane relief in Belize City? I hear Joe-liet was in charge of the disbursement of those funds…hmmmm! If Da Noh Soh!

Yo’ DPM’s so stupid…

Remember those old jokes – the ‘yo mama’s so stupid’ jokes? Well sources out of Orange Walk tell us there’s a new version out – your deputy prime minister’s so stupid…lol. Word out of sugar city is that the ‘Ingles sin fronteras’ poster boy got tired of the paint job on his mansion and didn’t have time to waste poring over paint charts to choose another colour scheme…so he called in a construction crew to demolish the mansion and build him a whole other one, new paint job and all. I kid you not. Seems like the man who once claimed that the UDP would sell their moms to get into power knew exactly what he was talking about. Politics has sure been good to the intellect-challenged minister…If Da Noh Soh!

Chendo lapiador…

Having recovered from the stroke he suffered the last time he was beat like a drum by Johnny Briceño, Chendo Urbina has allegedly declared that he will run for the UDP in Orange Walk South. Why be surprised? We knew he wasn’t too bright from the very beginning. Personally I kinda like having him back because we’ll have some fun with the stupid fellow for sure. Here’s a little gem to start with – every year the Ministry of Foreign Affairs calls in all its diplomats to a special retreat and each one is given the opportunity to list out their achievements in their respective postings. So when it was Chendo’s turn, he stood up proudly and proclaimed that he has received much recognition in Mexico for making an excellent escabeche…that’s a true story LOL…If Da Noh Soh!

The great pretender…

Baldy must be so proud…there’s even a song written about him…lol! Check out this latest tourism mess where local tender operators are being given the shaft. After investing millions of dollars they were told this week that their services would no longer be needed, effective almost immediately. Apparently our high-level, high-profile, high-dollar tourism team at the BTB, led by the ‘barefoot bobo’ and no less than the great pretender, is now trying to convince local tender operators that they had no idea what was going on. Yeah right! After an outcry which promised to get out of control, the tired team is claiming that they will personally head to Miami to meet with representatives of the major cruise lines (yay, Kim, another shopping trip). How much do you wanna bet that the great pretender and crew will come traipsing back to Belize with their best dejected faces in full effect to inform local tender operators that they tried their best but it is out of their hands? I sure hope Mr. Barrow can handle the fallout from that one because it ain’t going to be pretty…If Da Noh Soh!

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Not that Singh guy again…

And while he’s preparing for that war, maybe baldy could take some time to clear up this little rumour circulating that one of his favourite people recently of tourism infamy is up to his neck in this brand-spanking new tender company set to take the bread out of the mouths of our locals. Word from a very credible source is that the former CEO of the Ministry of Tourism is the local beef behind this new tender company. Word also is that one of his good friends who seems to have problems with unregistered boats breaking down near the airstrip will be running the company for him. Not enough…well this former tourism CEO is now sitting pretty at Beltraide, so he is in a position to approve a development concession and duty free status to this new company – talk about tangled but very lucrative webs. You do the math. Damn, I’ve heard about Singh-ing for your supper, but if the rumours are true this is a banquet and sumptuous feast of epic proportions…If Da Noh Soh!

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In poor taste…lol!

I was driving behind baldy and the first lady second wife on Coney Drive a few days ago when they passed that infamous billboard depicting the royal family which some anonymous but visionary soul has created. Well thank God for the suspension on that quarter million dollar luxury SUV we taxpayers bought for baldy, or when he sped up and jumped the speed-bump his bad back would surely have been thrown out of whack. Wrinkling his patrician nose which certainly did nothing to improve his looks (actually nothing could do that), the fellow snorted and sniffed prettily before stating that he feels that the ad is in poor taste. And then he did it…with no trace of shame baldy said – ‘You can’t get less royal than I at least in terms of behavior, in terms of interaction, in terms of my grounding with the masses.’ I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I want me some of those pain meds baldy is quaffing, cause that is some good shit…If Da Noh Soh!

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Just a lil slip…

But like everything else there is good and bad. Those pain meds are great for hallucinations and creating a false sense of reality but even baldy’s big brilliant brain gets muddled from time to time. During his concert/glamour fest yesterday…oops, sorry, I meant media tour, baldy was quizzed mercilessly about the price of fuel which has gone through the roof. Forgetting that he had made and broken the exact same commitment back in 2008, the great pretender stated with all conviction that he would likely revisit the government’s $1 flat tax on fuel in his next budget. After this pronouncement we were all carried away on the tides of euphoria for like, say, two seconds before we realized that we had heard this all before. And then to make it even worse, baldy had one of those medication-induced fugues where one moment he was talking about revisiting the $1 flat tax on fuel and then in the next moment he revealed that GOB’s take on fuel right now is actually $3.34 on every gallon of regular fuel. He didn’t get into government’s take on every gallon of premium fuel, but we can all safely assume that it is even higher. Oops! Hmmm…maybe the $1 flat tax was just a figment of the imagination caused by those absolutely wonderful pain meds… If Da Noh Soh!

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What a mess…

Tensions are running high in Corozal right now and hormones are completely out of control as the electrician turned ministerial moron has lifted his skirts high and is preparing to stomp all over the mayor turned casino queen with those fancy cowboy boots. The first round of the catfight was on Tuesday when queenie put up tents on the convention site and the ministerial moron drove past. Within hours orders had been handed out by Naco to take down the tents, but when he checked to make sure that the tents had gone down, queenie was on the site and told him to come take down the tents himself if he thought he was man enough. As the story goes, guns were drawn and nasty words were thrown but in the end none of the ‘men’ could gather up enough cojones to get it on…If Da Noh Soh!

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Nasty, nasty…

And talk about lifting up his skirts…that damned Naco is spreading some nasty rumours about his former colleague turned bitter enemy. In a flyer being circulated by Naco’s crew, the mayor turned casino queen is bitch-slapped by some serious allegations and insinuations. According to the flyer, queenie is misappropriating funds from the Town Council for his own purposes (read to finance his campaign). Not only that, but the flyer makes a very pointed allegation that the Mayor’s vehicle is very possibly being used to traffic drugs, especially since one of his drivers was reportedly busted with a lot of cannabis. Damn, this is worse than those female mud-wrestling matches at the local men’s club…If Da Noh Soh!

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Crossing the line…

A couple slaps here and there, some pulling of the hair and tearing at clothes is fine by me, but I will absolutely not allow my column to be used to flaunt the sexual preferences of my UDP friends (maybe I should watch how I call them friends LOL). Just the other day my anonymous source who I will absolutely not reveal is the Mayor was claiming that Naco is a little or a whole lot on the other side, if you know what I mean. That confidential source even pointed to one male employee at the Corozal Hospital who had received an immediate promotion the day after giving Naco what must have been an exceptional back rub behind closed doors. Damn! Yuck. And now another source who is absolutely not Naco (wink wink) wants to use me to throw pink stones at the mayor. According to what this secret informant is saying, the mayor is desperate to win the convention because if he doesn’t his fiancé has threatened to leave him. Okay, nothing wrong with that, but then my source who also does electrician work on the side claims that if the fiancé walks out the door, Oscar will be more than happy. So I said, okay, also nothing wrong with that either…so the fiancé has another interest on the side. But I was told nope, Oscar isn’t interested in the fiancé…(wink wink yuck). Okay that’s it…no more dealing with you guys who wanna be gals from Corozal LOL…If Da Noh Soh!

A darn good plan…

When I first heard the news that the pool table repairman turned minister of works had gone all the way to Vienna, Austria to sign for some money for infrastructure I’ll admit that my first reaction was extreme embarrassment. Like many Belizeans who have heard the ‘kick-back’ minister ramble on in semi-coherent, semi-literate fashion, I cringed to imagine what these distinguished foreign gentlemen in Austria were thinking after five minutes in the company of Boots. Good God, they must have thought, if this man as a minister represents the cream of the crop in Belize, the rest of the ‘natives’ must be a bunch of raving idiots running around naked and living in tree-houses. Imagine that. But after that period of intense shame and embarrassment and mortification I realized that prime minister baldy is a damned genius. If he had sent smart, educated, presentable people to represent the government maybe the people at OPEC wouldn’t have been so generous. By sending Boots and Cadet baldy was sending a message that we need help bad…look at these two – can’t you tell we need all the help we can get. Sheer genius, I said. Man the people at OPEC must have taken one look at Boots and Cadet before their heartstrings were plucked and they started writing checks aplenty. Everyone knows that ‘special’ people always get more attention, and God knows Boots and Cadet are more ‘special’ than most…If Da Noh Soh!

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Leave Boots alone…

I wish at this juncture to express my extreme displeasure with the dastardly duo of Jules and Said. How dare they cast aspersions on the character of Boots? How dare they insinuate that there is something untoward in the handling of the millions placed in the care of this saintly man? The proverbial vestal virgin could never lie in the same bed as Boots, so pure is he! How could Jules question the disbursement of the $2 million in post-hurricane rehabilitation money? So what if nobody in the neediest of areas has received any assistance…that’s not important. Boots said he’s taken care of the money and I’m happy to accept that. And can you believe that Said…accusing Boots of corruption? Who cares if Boots has built six or seven large homes for himself in the city since he was made minister? Who cares if he rents a huge house on the north side of the city? Who cares if his new baby drives a late model fancy ride? If Boots claims that he is still fixing pool-tables on the side and that is how he is able to support his fancy, lavish, luxurious lifestyle, then I’m willing to accept that. So what if the poor in Port Loyola have never benefitted one cent from the prime property Boots seized on the Western Highway and called Port Loyola Housing for the Poor? And if it is true that Boots pockets thousands and thousands of dollars each month from kick-backs and bulk-purchase discounts, so what? Y’all leave Boots alone…If Da Noh Soh!

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Public Service…

Man, when Jules dared to question the ministry of works moron about the $2 million which was supposed to be spent on those Belize City residents who were affected by Hurricane Richard, his eyes opened big like marbles. He looked even stupider than he normally does, and as difficult as that is to fathom, it’s true. The same thing happened when Said lashed him in the House, revealing that the $2million had been placed in the care of the sweaty, frowsy, sour Senator masquerading as Chief Procurement Officer. Sour, hairy one, you should know that whatever is in the dark will come to light, and sure as hell the real documents showing who got how much money out of the Ministry of Works will emerge early in the New Year, but that’s another story. The thing is that Juliet claims that she wasn’t paid, but was doing it as a public service. Well she wasn’t lying, was she? She is a member of the public, after all, and serving herself thus qualifies as public service. And who better to entrust with $2million which is allocated for the poor than the self-proclaimed champion of the poor? Everybody knows that big sweaty is dedicated to the poor – every single time her driver takes her past poverty-stricken areas in either her air-conditioned tinted luxury Mercedes SUV or her air-conditioned tinted luxury Infiniti SUV she instructs him to blow the horn…If Da Noh Soh!

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A ‘Barrow’ Christmas…

I’m reasonably sure that prime minister baldy who frequently forgets that he is also the area representative of a constituency called Queen Square, has no idea what is happening in that division. Who can blame him, since the rich fellow is not used to all that poverty and depression? For his own peace of mind his doctors have advised him to limit his exposure to negative things and that pretty much means that he spends 99% of his time travelling between his luxurious office in Belmopan, his luxurious seafront mansion and globe-trotting. But just so he knows, the people of Queen Square are pissed off right about now. Credible sources tell us that instead of throwing a party for the kids or taking goodies to the needy, the prime minister’s sister sat at home with a few assorted hams and turkeys and called some pre-selected persons to come pick up their hams and turkeys. When they ran out Sista B locked up shop and turned back everyone else…ouch for the residents of Queen Square…If Da Noh Soh!

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Philloughby’s Folly…

The billboards featuring the royal family of King Baldy and crew were big hits in the city and served as a little bit of comic entertainment during these very hard, bad times. But one man who didn’t find them at all funny was the super-idiot from City Hall, Philloughby. Word is that Philloughby threw a fit when he saw them and took it upon himself to head out with a crew and remove them. We haven’t been able to figure out if Philloughby was offended by the billboards or upset because he wasn’t included in the royal family…If Da Noh Soh!

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Christmas dinner…

There’s absolutely nobody singing songs of joy and happiness in Corozal right about now. There are no warm feelings, no good spirits, no peace and fellowship. Just ask the dodo-bird electrician turned minister Naco, who held his Christmas parade complete with high-tech float. The idiot thought he could buy the people with glitters and twinkling lights and stuffed toys which he threw to the children on the road-side. After Naco was hit in the head by about six stuffed toys thrown back at him, he decided to cut the parade short. Can’t you understand, stupid? The people are trying to tell you that they can’t eat stuffed toys for Christmas dinner…If Da Noh Soh!

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Christmas message…

And since I’ve been told that I should send the prime minister a Christmas message since he is the leader of the nation and it is a time for greetings and salutations, I’ve got this to offer. I’ve got a big bunch of mistletoe in my back pocket, Dean Oliver. Follow the tradition, why don’t you…If Da Noh Soh!

Anti-crime devices…

The pseudo-mayor of Belize City is hard at work planning a high-level launch very early in the New Year. Nope…it’s not another penis-shaped roundabout, though she does seem a little fixated on those, doesn’t she? Anyway, the faux mayor will be launching her latest gems – anti-crime devices. They’re not new things ordered from some law enforcement catalogue. They’re not the latest high-tech gimmicks designed by computer wizards. Nope! In fact, we’ve all seen plenty of these ‘anti-crime devices’ as we drive around the city. We just don’t call them ‘anti-crime devices.’ We call them POTHOLES! According to reliable reports, the incompetent, moronic, hustling, criminally stupid mayoral imposter has come up with quite an ad campaign to accompany the launch. She got her hubby to come up with some theme music, something like – ‘bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when you slam into one of them and fall flat on your face…’ Yeah I know, the lyrics need some work. But anyway, bumble-brain even has her team working on a couple videos…in the first one, a young man with 9mm in hand tries a ride-by shooting but his bike slams into a pothole and the bullet misses. In the second, a car filled with gun-wielding criminals speeds off after its occupants jack the neighbourhood Chinese store and shoot the proprietor, only to slam into a pothole…at which point the tires go flat and the Police are able to apprehend the villains. Sheer genius, madam moron…good luck with your launch…If Da Noh Soh!

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Give thanks…

The little effete fellow who won the convention in Orange Walk East this past weekend should say three million Hail Mary’s and make a sizable contribution to the PUP in thanks for his victory. See, a bunch of true blue supporters in the area went out en masss to vote for Landy after it was decided that he would be the weakest link in any upcoming general election, so it was in the best interest of the PUP for the little cheerleader to wave his pompoms in victory. In any major fight, all those skeletons that live in the closet with him will come out and it won’t be pretty. And seriously, does the guy have to be so damned ‘liad?’ When the media asked him about how much money he had spent, he said barely any. I guess he conveniently forgot about the $25 he paid out for wearing his shirts and the $200 he paid for votes. But anyway like they say every cloud has a silver lining. Thanks to Landy’s ‘pay for votes’ policy quite a few PUP supporters will be able to buy their ham this Christmas…If Da Noh Soh!

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My buddy Pats…

I’m glad my buddy the UDP Chairman was able to take some time to visit the Sugar City this past weekend. He’s been spending an awful lot of time at the private luxury condo in Belize City…the one with the private entrance. And what a good family man he is, getting the wife out of the stifling confines of home and treating her to some special private moments in that condo…oh wait! Damn, I hope that fine young Hispanic babe was his wife. Hope I didn’t get you in trouble, little buddy. But anyway, back to Sugar City. Word is that the black wannabe Prime Minister and the Hispanic wannabe Prime Minister got into a serious battle of words at the convention. In fact one onlooker said that for a moment it looked like fists would be thrown. Then Pats took one look at Gapi’s bodyguard/movie star, the Picot man, and decided to back down. Don’t blame you, little man. That fat fellow might not be able to beat you but he sure looks like he could have you for lunch along with $20 salbutes…If Da Noh Soh!

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Christmas shares…

So what’re you going to get your babes for Christmas? A diamond bracelet from Radiance Jewelry, maybe, or some baubles from Mirab? Maybe a gift certificate from L.A. Fashions or an animal print Gucci purse from Occasions Boutique? Hell, no, I’m gonna get my baby some BTL shares and put them in a fancy gift box complete with red bow and complimentary autographed picture of the Barrow Royal Family. Trust me…if I did something like that I’d be spending a lot of time by myself in the bathroom and very little time cuddled up beside a warm body. My buddy baldy is sweating right about now cause the share offering is about to close and Belizeans don’t want anything to do with him and his bogus stolen goods. So baldy got his spin-doctors to put together an ad to promote the sale of shares as a Christmas gift for your loved one. Get real Dean O… that’s not going to happen. If Da Noh Soh!

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Leave the Baron alone….

Oh and by the way, there’s this nasty rumour going around that baldy is making moves to tap into the Baron Bliss fund. Word is that he intends to use the money to purchase shares in Barrow Telemedia Limited since nobody else seems to be interested. We’d hope this is not so, since this fund is intended for altruistic purposes and certainly should not be dispensed to cover baldy’s royal butt after he made the stupid and petty decision to seize and private company without knowing what the hell he would do with it after…If Da Noh Soh!

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An early Christmas gift…

I’m not calling any names, but the mayor of a municipality up north (not Orange Walk) called me this week to spill the beans on a stupid electrician turned minister in that same area. According to this anonymous source, a groundbreaking for an operating theatre was just held recently, but that’s not the story. My source claims that a $1million dollar contract was handed out for this new building. Now that’s interesting, since we are told that this will be a small 60 X 80 building with zinc roofing! Wow, zinc must cost a whole lot in Corozal. But anyway, my source who will remain nameless is asking us to ask the dodo-bird if he could please tell us how much the building really cost and how much is an early Christmas gift. Since we don’t trust either this anonymous mayor of this stupid minister we did our own guess-timation and figured that at most (and we mean MOST) the building could conceivably cost somewhere around $400,000. So that means that there’s about $600,000 making somebody very, very happy this holiday season…If Da Noh Soh!

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Poor Nemencio…

Nothing much seems to change from day to day in Corozal politics. Our buddy Nemencio has seen some bad times lately, especially after he was found naked lying on the side of the road in Patchakan. After that mess (and I mean mess) he is not allowed to travel alone anymore. So now his wife accompanies him as his official driver and his son accompanies him as his secretary. They travel from village to village where they set up a little tent and pray for people to come talk to them but it’s not happening. Word is that nobody’s interested in what Nemencio has to say and since his wife doesn’t allow him to drink, he’s just no fun anymore…If Da Noh Soh!

Butane politics…

If you’re not a supporter of John Saldivar in Belmopan and you see the BNE truck coming around to offer free butane to residents, don’t bother rushing outside with your empty butane tank. See, my buddy minister pig has promised his buddy the cheerleader from Orange Walk East his support next week at the UDP convention, but at a cost. As head of the BNE trust the cheerleader has been able to use his strings to give free butane to ‘certain’ residents in minister pig’s area. But like I said, don’t go rushing outside with your butane tank just yet, because minister pig has assigned one of his ‘special’ friends to guard the line and point out PUP supporters. Anybody this ‘special’ friend calls out as a PUP supporter is told that there ain’t no butane for them. Minister pig and his cheerleader buddy need to be flogged. Seriously! Just last week government raised the price of butane by $8 and now they are punishing PUP supporters by giving away free butane to only UDP supporters…If Da Noh Soh!

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Who’s next…?

I don’t think anybody in the media should be feeling too comfortable right about now since baldy has decided to drop the hammer on Channel 5…and all because he can’t deal with the facts. Word is that minister pig has been extremely vocal in his criticism of some of our media colleagues out west in Belmopan, calling them ‘fake Christians.’ Oh boy what is it with these sensitive politicians who can’t take their licks like real men. But seriously, though, word from the ministry of information is that minister pig is already trying to find a way to put pressure on that certain media house after their morning show has been openly critical of this UDP crew. Talk about punishing the messenger for the message…If Da Noh Soh!

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Fixed election…

We’re not saying it but Gapi and Roger and Creamy sure enough are telling everybody that Carlos Perdomo fixed the elections so the incompetent incumbent would walk away the winner. With the backing of the retard and his brother from up north and all the money they could muster, coupled with a serious smear campaign against Carlos, Roger was sure that he would emerge victorious. But he didn’t and now he’s crying foul. We understand that things got very tense at #48 Baymen Avenue after the convention when Perdomo’s driver squared off against the brief-thief and Roger Espejo and another gentleman. According to all reports Police had to be called in to get the situation under control. We also understand that guns were pulled but of course we didn’t expect that there would be any official confirmation of that…If Da Noh Soh!

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12 Days of Christmas…

Belizeans are asking if Love FM could please do us a big favour when they have their annual Christmas Parade. See, every year our beloved pseudo-mayor is the grand-marshall of the parade grinning from ear to ear like a loon and waving like a battery-powered mannequin. We know that we can’t very well ask Love FM to change the tradition since Love FM is all about love and incompetent, foolish, inadequate, sticky-fingered, hopeless, useless mayors need love too. But we are asking the organizers to make the parade a very long one so that the faux-mayor can feel some of what we feel every day. We don’t even have to ask you guys to pick and choose bad streets to her royal posterior gets punished cause every damn street in Belize City is a mess. Can you do that for us please? If Da Noh Soh!

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Forrest Gump wannabe…!

Seriously I had promised myself that I would never write another word about Citco super-girl Philloughby because that sucker is probably just too stupid to understand most of the insults aimed at him and that makes my job a little difficult. The truth is that it irritates me just to look at him. Really it does. I’m thinking that after this even Channel 7 will steer clear of doing interviews with him because he just does not get it. Jules’ best insults are lost on him and as far as insults go Jules is one of the best. The day after the convention Jules made fun of Philloughby’s super-girl apparel and he didn’t get it. Then Jules made fun of his for his comment that ‘he was one of the greatest politicians in Belize’ and he didn’t get it. In desperation Jules went so far as to call him a mascot and he still did not get it. Hell, I don’t blame Jules for giving up and walking away. Damn that boy makes Forrest Gump look like an intellectual superstar. It frustrates the hell out of me…If Da Noh Soh!

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Junior Contrabandista…?

Reliable sources at the northern border have told us that our minister of health and favourite electrician/dodo-bird apparently has a new past-time for the Christmas. Word is that every day for the past week his vehicle has been observed crossing the border chock-full of contraband beer. We haven’t been able to confirm if he is using the beverage in his campaign against the casino-monger or if he is stocking up so he can drown his sorrows when the mayor takes his seat away from him. Either way, we’re calling on the relevant authorities to keep an eye on these activities since it is illegal and it just pisses us off that Naco so openly uses his government vehicle to follow in the footsteps of his retarded colleague from Orange Walk…If Da Noh Soh!

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Nobody home at the Zone…

Like with everything else going wrong under this UDP bunch of morons things at the Corozal Commercial Free Zone are going downhill fast. The biggest employer in the north is in crisis stage and nobody in the UDP seems to know what to do next. And if that is not enough, everybody who was put in place to manage the affairs of the zone are busy campaigning and have no time to attend to matters there. David Akierman is out putting up posters for Hugo Patt who is running against Nemencio Acosta in Corozal North. CEO Raul Rosado is busy making false promises in Corozal Southeast and his deputy CEO Andre Marin is kept busy doing the same in Corozal Southwest where he plans to take the seat away from Gabriel Martinez. Just like the sugar industry which was neglected until it was almost too late, the UDP will do real damage to the Zone at a time when businesses should be making money hand over fist for the Christmas season…If Da Noh Soh!

Guess there ain’t nothing sacred when it comes to this crooked UDP bunch, at least when it comes to land. This columnist has received reliable information that the Chairman of Unitedville in the Cayo South constituency has orchestrated the sale of the community center/hurricane shelter. How could something like that happen? Well who knows, but somehow the gentleman managed to get all necessary documents from the Ministry of Natural Resources and the sale of the property and building on it is now a done deal. For sure this one bears more looking into and we’ll have more on this scurvy deal in next week’s issue…If Da Noh Soh!

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In Landy we trust…LOL!

Somehow I thought that the phrase was supposed to be In God We Trust, but apparently our effeminate buddy who wants to run in Orange Walk east has different ideas about that. Hard at work in his campaign, Landy Burns has erected a nauseating display of billboards and signs proclaiming his godliness, as if the people from Orange Walk don’t know better. I was in Orange Walk a couple days ago and went by the Louisiana Government School where there are at least five large billboards right in front of the school expressing trust for Landy. It was a little funny because the grass on which the signs were placed was overgrown and there was garbage everywhere. Maybe the people of Orange Walk would trust you a little more if you actually managed to get any work done, Landy. Try not to be so much like your bald boss who is a firm believer in the success of glitz and glamour without any substance whatsoever. Oh and by the way, did you ever account for the money from the desks which were given to you for schools in the area? If Da Noh Soh!

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Corrupt Carlos?

UDP aspirant for Caribbean Shores and young up and coming dodo-bird Roger Espejo has come out swinging at his political opponent Carlos Perdomo. This intrepid columnist was able to confirm just this week that Espejo is campaigning on an anti-corruption platform and is lambasting Perdomo for his role in the still ongoing and unresolved immigration scandal. In fact, Espejo has even bought advertising space in a local newspaper, the National Perspective, in which he makes direct reference to corruption in relation to Carlos. Hmmm! For his part, it seems that Perdomo is confident that he will be able to pull out a win based on the judicious doling out of funds and goodies. One resident of Kelly Street in Caribbean Shores openly mocked Espejo, claiming that by the time he handed out his little chum change and walked away, representatives from a very well known ‘beverage’ powerhouse were right behind with cash in hand and liquor to waste…this one will be nasty, folks. That’s for sure…If Da Noh Soh!

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Turning up the heat…

My favourite minister/electrician with the intellect deficit is turning up the heat in Corozal Bay and has told anyone who cares to listen that no matter what it takes ‘Casino’ Campos will never beat him. And don’t tell anyone I said so but Naco claims that he has a spy in Campos’ camp and knows every more Campos will make before he makes it. Case in point…Campos was all set to launch his propaganda splash this week, putting up posters and signs all over town advising residents to ditch the brain-dead Naco. Somehow Naco found out about it and managed to get the jump on Campos. Residents of Corozal have now been treated to wonderful, glorious full-colour posters of Naco applied to every single lamp-post in Corozal Bay. Okay then. It might be a good idea for Naco to keep an eye on those expensive posters, since ‘Casino’ Campos has been heard to say that they won’t be up for too much longer….If Da Noh Soh!

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In memoriam…

I’m feeling really, really guilty about the smear campaign launched against my poor buddy Nemencio in Corozal North. I should never have let Pablo influence me…and all because he is backing Lupita Longsworth in the area and wants no part of the nasty Nemencio. Anyway, after news came out about Nemencio’s drunken rampage and allegations that he had been found naked on the side of the road in Patchakan, reliable reports are that Naco paid a special visit to Belmopan where he tried to convince el mero mero that Nemencio is just too much of an embarrassment to the UDP and should be asked to desist from running at the next convention. Baldy apparently hasn’t made up his mind yet but sources claim that he is under tremendous pressure to sanction the drunken one especially after he brought the ax down on Castro’s head last week. Word is that the decision will be made this week but if I were Nemencio I wouldn’t be too very comfortable right about now…If Da Noh Soh!

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Fairtrade funds…

There are serious allegations coming out of Corozal North right now that UDP aspirant and Chairman of the Sugar Industry Control Board Hugo Patt has been using, shall we say, unauthorized funds to conduct his campaign in Corozal North. Maybe we should leave that one alone for now until we have more proof but let’s just say that a certain drunken UDP area representative who is mentioned in this very same column has been heard accusing Patt of some very dastardly deeds with Fairtrade funds. Will all the mess and chaos in Corozal right about now, who knows what’s true anymore? What we do know is that Patt is spending big bucks in the area where he is campaigning with his buddy David Akierman who seems to have completely given up his job in the Corozal Free Zone. The lines are clearly drawn in the area with David Akierman supporting Hugo Patt, Pablo Marin supporting Lupita Longsworth and the UDP Executive in the area supporting Carlos Vallejos. We’ll have great fun with this one before much longer…If Da Noh Soh!

‘Batty’ for hire…

Late word reaching this columnist is that our Ambassador to Cuba, affectionately known in certain circles as ‘culo caliente,’ is seeking employment elsewhere. Apparently since this latest visa thing and the subsequent independent investigations into illegal documents being doled out at the Embassy in Cuba for hefty sums, things have gotten just a little bit too hot for the happy fellow. And not only that, but everybody’s been paying close attention to all those properties being purchased in Benque spot cash by his family members, so that was a little unwelcome attention. ‘Batty’ Guerra is trying to use his connections and very close relationship with UDP Minister Erwin Contreras to be reassigned. But get this, because this is the funny part…he wants to keep his diplomatic status, but wants to be appointed as a Special Envoy to Guatemala and point person in the Belize/Guatemala negotiations. Hilarious! Didn’t he used to work in a pizza place in the US before he was named a UDP Ambassador? If Da Noh Soh!

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Philloughby & Fantasia…

You remember when Roger ‘Fantasia’ Espejo was on television handing out food packages to residents in the wake of Hurricane Richard? How about the media-hungry intellect-challenged Philloughby who gestured like mad and looked busy every time the camera pointed his way? Did you get this warm feeling in your hearts at the thought of these two wonderful young men working so selflessly for all of us? Well don’t! A source in City Hall tells us that immediately after the hurricane passed our way, both these fools submitted a whopping bill for overtime for work that they supposedly did during the hurricane. In addition, Philloughby demanded that the Council pay big money for damages to his vehicle allegedly suffered when city streets flooded. I guess these boys didn’t think that the thousands they receive each month for doing the sum total of NOTHING was enough. Oh Roger, I’m supposed to tell you that Carlos didn’t provide this info to us….If Da Noh Soh!

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Free for all…

You know that old phrase ‘monkey see…monkey do?’ Well, my old good buddy from Corozal Bay who I’m told loves this column because it is the most attention he ever gets (and he doesn’t understand the insults) has decided to follow in the footsteps of his bald boss. Guess he thinks that if he emulates the boss he can’t go wrong. Hmmm! So anyway since Dean got away with putting his dirty paws all over the Judiciary Naco thinks that it’s open season on members of the bench. Word from up north is that the son of a prominent UDP Corozal Bay executive member was recently caught with 30 pounds of cannabis and Naco decided to intervene in an attempt to get him off. Well the Magistrate apparently wasn’t having any of that and refused to be influenced by the idiot electrician/minister so he was promptly and without due notice put out to pasture way down in PG. What the hell? When did we get to this point? What part did the Chief Magistrate play in getting rid of this Magistrate because he wouldn’t bow down to the UDP northern politicos? And where is the damned Public Service Commission since this is totally against the standing orders of the Public Service? Oh wait…I forgot! This is the UDP we’re talking about…this is how they do business. If Da Noh Soh!

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Rectal thermometers…

And since we’re on the subject of my favourite dodo-bird, I’d like to ask him about the procedures for promotion under his watch. See, there’s a story about this male masseuse at the hospital who gave Naco a back-rub and was promoted to Auxiliary Norse the very next day. Turns out that this guy is a complete dud who can’t even take patients’ blood pressure and temperature properly and now everybody wants to know what’s up! One staff member at the hospital claims that maybe the guy can’t deal with the thermometer applied under the armpit but he can sure use the one inserted rectally. Ouch Naco…is that what you’ve come to buddy? Could you clear this one up for us because I’d hate for people to be spreading these nasty rumours about you? If Da Noh Soh!

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Cut-eye contest…

And speaking about people spreading nasty rumours, I understand that there was a ground-breaking ceremony at the Corozal Hospital the other day and my buddy the mayor wasn’t invited. Guess the invitation was lost in the mail. But anyway, since their bald-headed boss was there as the guest of honour ‘Casino’ Campos showed up anyway since a suck-up session is in effect in Corozal Bay. I hear it was a regular riot, cause Naco was on Dean O’s right and the mayor was on Dean O’s left and both of them were jostling for his attention. And it got even funnier when Naco got up to read his speech which was written for him by staff at the Ministry of Health (writing at a Standard III level of course). The Mayor started cutting his eye at Naco and Naco was cutting his eye right back and started fumbling and stuttering and stumbling on his speech. Jeez, these guys are a regular Tweedledum and Tweedledumber…If Da Noh Soh!

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Poor Nemencio…

I can’t end this week without offering a sincere and heartfelt apology to Nemencio Acosta for writing about him in this very column last week. See, I didn’t get the full story or I would have been a lot more sympathetic. I thought him being found naked on the side of the road in Patchakan covered in vomit and other unmentionable stuff was just another drunken episode and hey, we all have those, right rum buddy? I don’t really go for the naked sleeping on the road thing but to each his own I guess. Anyway, reports now circulating indicate that poor Nemencio may have been the victim of a, shall we say, ‘violation’ which in his drunken stupor. I don’t care to go into any more details because it is a sad, sad thing. If it is true, then this man deserves our support and we need to be there for him during this difficult time (unless it was consensual and he enjoyed it which is a horse of a totally different colour)….If Da Noh Soh!

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Enquiring minds…

There are so many damned questions being asked by us regular Belizean folk each week that we decided to feature some of them in this column. This week ‘Clear Your Desk’ Castro is of course the center of attention, so here goes. Enquiring minds want to know…is Castro’s termination connected in any way to rumours of $2million dollars missing at the Ministry of Works, allegedly paid out for contracts for work which was never carried out? Enquiring minds want to know…what is Castro’s stance on sexual relations with under-age girls? Enquiring minds want to know…is it true that there is a discreet investigation now being done into the state of Castro’s finances and all the companies opened by he and his wife in the past couple years? And enquiring minds want to know…is it true that the Prime Minister has given his okay for criminal charges to be brought against his former junior minister if evidence of sexual or financial misconduct is found? If Da Noh Soh!

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Boring…

My friend the fat, drunken, bald (hold up let me check the Guardian for the rest) homeless, domestic abusive former editor asked me to let you guys know that he’d be happy to offer his writing services for the Then & Now column next week cause you guys suck major ass (his words, not mine…and Fonso it’s just a slang, not a description of your actions). Really now, I would have thought that some of the CEOs’ (both CEOs) intellects would have ‘rubbed’ off on the fat, hairy Senator and she would have thrown some good stuff in there. I mean really…writing about how when he was a boy he used to bang hooky from school and play pool…WTF! I think you guys should take him up on his offer, especially since he says to tell big hairy that she doesn’t even have him out of her recent windfall (yes we do know about that). He’ll do it for free. What a great guy with a big rum-soaked heart..you just gotta love that fat, bald, drunken, homeless, domestic abusive (is that even a term?) former editor…If Da Noh Soh!